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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.