You Might Also Like
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.