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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me in tagged photos
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok