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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.