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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way