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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk