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I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Pot warmers of the day.
It’s a gift
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated