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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
im all 3
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot