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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Not even remotely sorry.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home