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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
This hospital has everything
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!