You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there鈥檚 a clown waiter. You get sick and there鈥檚 a clown surgeon.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
馃槀馃ゴ
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Strangers have the best candy.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I鈥檓 writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what鈥檚 the last thing you stepped on
Ha
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly鈥檚 down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella鈥檚 been like that since I ate his brother