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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges