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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
peeping toms
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.