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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
🙂🐾
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.