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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine