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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
This is me
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit