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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?