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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
