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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
back to work
