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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Buying a well is money well spent.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me too, bag. Me too….
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I am all good here, 😂😉
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…