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I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I only treason on days ending in y
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.