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One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Ugh but profoundly
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m not wrong
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice