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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Cat.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank