You Might Also Like
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.