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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The little toadstool has spoken.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.