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My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*puts my mental health in rice
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.