You Might Also Like
I unironically love this joke.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
*has no idea what a book even is*
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*