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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00