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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
never ask a starfish for directions
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
🤣😂🤣
👾👾👾
