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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Care for your back
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this