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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
good morning
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
A Monday every week is excessive
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The Punning Dead.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister