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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
they split up moments later
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Toxic snake
