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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”