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58.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Merica.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.