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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Mad Max: Furry Road
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat