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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Best spoiler warning ever
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.