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sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.