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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The first matador
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
X-tra spooky blend
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)