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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dance like you’re not the father
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you