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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Scream sneezers need love too.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.