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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
listen closely
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*