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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.