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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
how high up are we talkin’?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Natural selection at its finest
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos