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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!