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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it