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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I found your tweet-up…
I…do not understand how electricity works.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.