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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Meow
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.