You Might Also Like
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.