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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….