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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day